The Dreaded Hot-Lunch Line
Time is precious, and
negotiating your way through the swarming hot-lunch line takes some skill. The
best way to buy hot lunch is to walk purposefully to the end of the line and
maintain position. Beware of cutters who may have a ruse, such as acting like
they forgot a fork or straw. Usually they are wormy little sixth graders, so
don’t be afraid to tell them to buzz off!
You may think it best to wait for the line to die down, but don’t! By that time, the food goes from
grotesque to downright vomitous. (Just sayin’!)
Not all entrees induce the lunch
flu, but be cautious of certain food items. Anything with a catchy name like
“Fiesta Fajitas” or “Burger Bangers” should be sized up with suspicion. Also,
dodge the mystery meat whenever possible. This is anything containing meat
product that can’t easily be identified with the naked eye. It’s usually topped
off with some sort of gravy-like sauce so as to conceal its identity. Hence,
the name. Also, stay away from the pizza altogether, as it’s riddled with
mystery meat droppings and altogether nast.
Where to Sit
Where to sit in the
middle school cafeteria is a strategic chess move that can be executed with
ease. Just face the fact that cliques are the number-one unspoken rule of the
lunchroom. (If you don’t already know, a clique is a self-segregating group
that hangs and eats together. They were around when your grandparents went to
school, and they’ll be around when your
grandchildren go to school. A few common ones throughout the ages are preppies,
geeks, punks, emos, oddballs, hipsters, VIP popular kids, and wannabes.)
Now, the good news is you can click
outside your clique. You just have to know which ones are flexible and which
are not. For example, the trinity of Madison Heights royalty—Kandi, Kassi, and
Kalli—is one grub ’n’ snub club that isn’t accepting new members. One can tell
this by their guarded body language that screams “Admire—then expire!” when you
walk by their reserved VIP table waaaaaay in back of the lunchroom.
On the flip side, most cliques love
to meet and talk with new people, so don’t be shy! If you’re new and don’t want
to eat your cheese puffs solo, case the caf for a friendly looking group or
just take out a book or magazine and chill. If you look confident and
comfortable with yourself, someone is bound to join in. (Quick Tip: While
you’re sitting there by yourself, feign popularity by pretending to wave at
random people. It works!)
The upshot is finding a crowd to
chow with definitely gets easier with time. Before you know it, you will have
your own little table surrounded by your best besties, eating the mystery meat
du jour!
Convo Starters
Don’t know what to
gab about while you grub? Try these hot topics:
Can you believe that English project?
Are Uggs really
a good look?
Hottiest hotties
Makeup/breakup/shakeup of the week
“I know, right?,” “That’s so random,” “24/7,”
Just sayin’,” “It’s all good,” and other phrases that should be banned
Team Edward vs. Team Jacob
The virtues of headbands
Today’s cute math substitute
Yesterday’s scary science substitute
What teachers really talk about in the lunchroom
Beware: Try to avoid
food fights. Some fun seekers might try to instigate, but it’s ultra-immature
and could ruin your gear.
Helpful Hint: No
matter how tempting it is to food bash, always be nice to the “lunch ladies,”
and never insult the food while in earshot. They’re the hardworking women who
put the mystery in mystery meat and have hairnets, oversized glasses, and large
moles. Always be polite, and try to learn their names (usually something like
Edith or Joyce). You may just get an extra big helping of mystery meat goulash!*
*SEE BELOW
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