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In short, we'll teach you not just how to survive - but thrive in middle school. So with that - here's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help us Good Fairy of Popularity...

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Lucy &

Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Secret Chew: How to Hide Gum in Class

An Excerpt From the Award-Winning Tell-All
Lucy and CeCee's How to Survive (and Thrive) in Middle School

Lucy: Hiding gum in class is a specialized skill—as useful as multiplying or writing the five-paragraph essay.

CeCee: Why’s that, Luce?

Lucy: Because a lot of teachers get very worked up over the gum thing. We know—you’d think teachers have better things to expend their energy on, but for some reason, chewing gum on their watch gets many teachers’ undies in a bunch (scary visual alert). And, let’s face it—gum is necessary!

CeCee: It does alleviate stress and give you something to do in class while listening to coma-inducing subjects, such as photosynthesis and noun conjugation.

Lucy: Plus, there could be emergency circumstances—like you’re doing a lab with your crush and you have narsty mystery meat breath from lunch.

CeCee: An added bonus is that, if done correctly, chewing gum in class gives you that look of laid-back nonchalance.

Lucy: In other words, you look cool. The ultimate goal when chewing gum is to have your peers notice but not the teacher. When your peers notice, they’ll be secretly jealous and think you’re extra awesome for rebelling against the cardinal gum rule—unless you get caught, of course!

CeCee: Then, they’ll secretly gloat as you stagger over to the trashcan while your teacher screams like a banshee.

Lucy and CeCee: To avoid such a scenario, we recommend you practice chewing gum in your most clueless teacher’s class first while following these guidelines.

L&C’s How to Chew Gum on the Sly Tips

1) Unwrap the gum and place in mouth before entering class. (This sounds like a big duh, but some people mindlessly unwrap their sweet treat right in front of the teacher—only to get busted seconds later.)

2) Chew quietly and stealthily by making your chews small and with your mouth shut! No big dramatic jaw movements. If the teacher’s back is turned, you may feel like chewing louder, cracking, or chomping on your gum, but don’t. You’re bound to forget to stop when the teacher turns around, and then game over! And remember—no matter how tempting it is, no bubbles!

3) If called on to answer a question, your chances of getting caught have just multiplied, but you have some options. You can:

♥ slide the gum over to the back right or left side of your mouth and answer the question;

♥ quickly cough or clear your throat, spit the gum in your hand, and put it back in after you answer the question; or

♥ just swallow it.

4) Be warned that if you bungle any of the above, your teacher will surely confront you with “Are you chewing gum?” Some teachers will even go so far as to have you open your mouth and stick your tongue out. This desperate display of teacher authority is—of course—ridiculous, but then there are ridiculous teachers out there who think gum chewing is the ultimate violation.

Stuff You’ll Need:
♥ Gum
♥ Clueless teacher
Dear Diary ~
Arghhhhh! I was so excited about Josh’s note, I forgot 2 hide my gum and proceeded 2 blow a bubble right N the middle of Mr. Kragler’s slice-and-dice demonstration. I mean, what kinda sadist dissects innocent frogs anywayz? Mr. Kragler is obviously a kid and animal hater.

It’s just my luck that Josh finally wants 2 meet me face-2-face, and I get busted 4 gum! Now, I’m sitting N the stupid dean’s office with the other fixtures while Ms. Quinn calls my house. I already told her my parents R at work, but she doesn’t believe me. Now, she’s leaving a message about my habitual gum violations. How moronic!

So, what should I do? Maybe I should just run 4 it. But then, I’d get busted 4 sure. That Shakespeare dude was right. The course of true love never did run smooth. (Hey, Ms. Snow would be proud!) I know—I’ll write Josh a note declaring my love.

Hearts and twinkling tiaras,

Dear Josh ~

SS I couldn’t meet U third period. I totally got busted 4 chewing gum. How stupid is that? What U need 2 know is I am totally crushing on U 2! Some people (my BFF included) think you’re going out with Kandi Klass, but I happen 2 know U have better taste than that.

So, we should totally go out becuz I think you’re awesome! Call me tonight, babycakes!

Hearts and unicorns 4-eva,
285-8585 (cell)

(Note folded and sealed with Bonnie Bell Watermelon Pink Lip Smacker Star Glaze kiss)

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