CeCee: Maybe your hair is misbehaving, you have a test you didn’t study for, or you’re just not up to playing Keep-Away Frisbee in gym.
Lucy: What you’re coming down with is a severe case of schoolitis, and there are a few things you should know.
CeCee: First, you can’t do this all the time. The habitual fake out will only come back to haunt you, causing your teachers and parents to eye you with suspicion when you really are sick.
Lucy: In other words, only do this when you really need to. (No more than 8–10 times a semester.)
L&C’s How to Fake Sick Tips
♥ If you know you’re going to fake sick, toss out the bait early. The morning of, tell your parents you’re not feeling well but that you don’t want to miss any school. Tell them you’ll try to make it through the day and go to bed right when you come home. (This way when the nurse calls, there are no surprises.)
♥ Go to your first class looking a little haggard. Don’t wear any lip gloss, mascara, or blush. Mess up your hair a little. Put your head down on the desk, and don’t interact with anyone until your teacher asks what’s wrong. When she does, give the impression that you’re disoriented. Tell her you just can’t concentrate and feel funny—like you might be sick. (Note: this scares the chalk dust out of most teachers, and he or she will immediately send you out. No teacher wants you doing Technicolor yawn on the classroom floor.)
♥ Score! Now it’s time to hit up the nurse. This takes a little skill, as nurses are very adept at dealing with fakers. It’s always best to keep your symptoms nagging but vague. Nothing too specific. Good adjectives to use are queasy, achy, hot and cold. If you combine symptoms, make sure they go together. Case in point, earache and nausea don’t go together and scream faker! Whereas stomach and headache, earache and sore throat, and dizziness and nausea all have the ring of truth.
♥ Never suggest the nurse call your parents, but ask if you can lie down and close your eyes. Cover face with both arms and moan periodically. Speak as if really exhausted by dragging each word out.
♥ When the nurse finally suggests she call your parents, act bummed. Say something like, “But I don’t want to miss any school. I have a test today. Do you think I could get my homework first?” This should seal the deal.
Beware: When in the nurse’s chambers, keep the drama in drama class. Don’t go overboard and fake a seizure or pretend to pass out. Nurses have been to nursing school and know when someone is really conscious or not. Also, they could call for an ambulance.
How to Be Sick by Lucy
Yay, you did it! Now, how to be sick. Both CeCee and I have our own idea of how to burn a sick day.
♥ Dance in the living room.
♥ Text your friends and give them updates on your “illness.”
♥ Text your BFF every period and begin each text with “I guess you’re in period ___ now. Meanwhile, I’m watching _______________ (insert cool television show or movie here).”
♥ Call your parent at work and moan as if really sick. Ask for more DVDs and puzzle books.
♥ Make a blanket fort.
♥ Snoop in your sister’s room. Read her diary. Call her boyfriend and hang up.
♥ Call and order a pizza. Ask for a large with pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, green pepper, olives, onions, anchovies, double cheese, and extra sauce. Hang up. Five minutes later, call back and say you changed your mind.
♥ Play with the dog.
♥ Play with the dog, and film it with your cell phone camera. Submit dog video to YouTube. Watch other dog trick videos and convince self yours is the best.
♥ Play computer games.
♥ Go through your mom’s closet, and write out fashion suggestions. Send them to her anonymously.
♥ Try on all your mom’s jewelry, and talk as if you’re out to dinner with your father. Practice her mannerisms in the mirror.
♥ Write poems and e-mail them to people.
♥ Take a hot, lavender-scented bubble bath.
♥ Take a picture of yourself sleeping and send to friends.
How to Be Sick by CeCee
♥ Call the school informing them of your respective infirmity and request all homework.
♥ Complete homework.
♥ Calendar projects.
♥ Clean and systematize closet.
Tip: Don’t forget to have your mother write an illness excuse note. You don’t want a truancy on your record.